Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Breaking the Silence

It seems when you stop writing, it's hard to get back on the proverbial horse.  Inspiration can flicker only to be snuffed out by apathy. Apathy, lethargy, depression.  You think you are on a certain path in life and in a moment it can be altered.  

That moment, in my life, was the death of my mother last year.  It was sudden, it was unexpected and it was all over in the space of 24 hours.  I held her hand as her life slipped away and one by one the machines that had been monitoring her were shut off.  Walking away was the hardest thing I ever had to do.  I had never felt death this close before and can only say I had been lucky.

This past year, I've tried putting on a brave face. I tried to keep blogging but I finally gave up the effort in March since my heart just wasn't in it.  Our daughter finally got her diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder in November of 2013 and while I'm grateful we finally started to get funding and help for her, I wish my mother had been there. 

Grief affects us all in strange ways.  I never expected to feel such grief and to bear it for so long.  Even a year later, I can be reduced to tears by a simple memory.  

The plan wasn't for my mom to die young, the plan was that once my kids were older, I would be the one going to visit her, taking her for tea and shopping. She was going to be an old granny and I her aging daughter hanging out together.  Playing with the gran-babies.  She was really always my very best friend, my confidant, my support and like too often, I've only just realized how very very important she had been to me and what a lovely role she played in my life.  

I miss her every day!


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