Random notes from my back porch journalling: Friday, August 13, 2010 (yes, originally handwritten people... what a shocker!)
I have a headache to such a point that reading either on the computer or a book makes my eyes hurt. Being a mom though means I can't slouch back off to bed but take my notebook outside instead to supervise the children.
Why is it that whenever you really want to exercise or do it right, you have your tiredest day where all you can think of or your greatest desire is to catch a few ZZZzs? And you're not a nap person.
I have realized that my headaches make me eat more and considering I have been suffering with migraines for the past couple of years, this is not a good thing. It's like I am trying to eat away the pain. Tylenol doesn't work, Advil doesn't work, my subconscious brain thinks maybe it's a lack of food headache and that will help. It never does. I'm getting worried about my weight.
I am tried of people asking if I'm pregnant or when I'm due. When I was pregnant people just thought I was fat. Now that I'm just fat, people think I'm pregnant. At J's dance camp an older lady made a comment to me completely out of the blue how she "bet I couldn't get down on the floor." (some of the moms were sitting around on the floor inside the dance studio). It took me a few moments to figure out why she'd say that to me. AS it occurred to me, I dropped y hands and tried to suck in my gut silently7 praying she wouldn't make any more obvious pregnant remarks in front of this room full of moms. While my next thought was that if she did ask me when I was due, I was going to lie and tell her October.
Some days I can laugh about it. Some days I cry. This was just a cringe day.
I've been reading "Honey, I've wrecked the Kids" by Alyson Schafer. I first read breaking the Good Mom Myth. I found that book very liberating. This book... has made me realize or rather affirmed what an awful mother I am. I hate to say verbal abuse.. but that really is me and my husband. We both have to get the last word in. We are both so frustrated we tend to over lecture, over stress and even anticipate failure with snide little comments thrown in for good measure. My daughter freaked out one day in front of my mother and threw around a lot of big words like consequences, comprehension, responsibility etc... and my mom was like OMG she sounds just like her mother. I try so hard to be patient but by 4:00 pm I'm all tapped out, especially if they've been bickering lots. Add in there PMS, a few late nights and my patience and temper are unpredictable even to me. How can I start to change the patterns if I can't even keep it together a week at a time?
Why do people leave anonymous comments? I get it if you don't have a blogger account etc and you really want to contribute to the conversation. I even understand if you're trying to promote your own website and you really only pop in to leave a link. But really what satisfaction could you possibly get by leaving a vague and poorly written comment in bad English in which the word Viagra is thrown around a few times without even a link? I just don't get it.
I won the Underway contest 4 times. FOUR times. I can only claim one prize but still... you think someone out there really thinks I should lose weight? Yeah, me too.
Isn't it kind of like Murphy's law that you teach your kids to stay in bed and they obey you to the point where they call you repeatedly, you go upstairs to find out what they want, only to discover they need a drink so you have to go all the way back downstairs to grab them a cup and a drink, and then go back upstairs and get it for them. Whereas, if they weren't so busy obeying you, they would have just come halfway down the stairs at least to inform you what they needed so you only had to make the trip once.
Now my hands hurts too.