A lot of gals around the blogosphere and in my community seem to be expecting. It has given me not just a little baby envy. At first I thought it was because O is talking a mile a minute and seems so grown up for his 2 and 1/2 years. Not to mention that he was born at the size of a 3 month old and currently sports the size more apt of a 4 year old. He hasn't been very babyish for quite a long time. His only baby like behaviour of late is coming to me and saying he wants me and then wants up for a snuggle. I am more than happy to oblige my son with a cuddle.
But no, it wasn't that. It was E.
A few nights ago I slipped into her nightlight lit room to check to make sure she was covered. As I gazed upon her sweet little face in sleep, it struck me just how big my baby was getting. So intent am I on assisting her in learning her ABC's and working on her handwriting and homework with her each day that I forget just how much she is growing up. She is starting to recognize simple words and soon, if she is anything like her mother, will be reading a mile a minute. So I stopped and stared a little, taking in her sweet face, how she still snuggles her much loved and much frayed blankie and how sometimes she still sleeps with her bum in the air. Some times I am just in awe of how much my children have changed, how quickly they are learning, how fast they are growing.
I think we need those moments where we just stop talking, living, lecturing etc and just observe instead. Stop and take notice of the changes that are happening. Are they good? Are they bad? How can we do better?
Is this perhaps why we get baby envy? Because the ones we already have are growing up and exerting their independence in a thousand different ways. Do we have more children so we can continue to delight in their innocence and the simple joy that they bring us?
When I had O, he was such a different baby from my first two that I got a small sense of why people like the Duggars keep having so many children. Each child is a new little person just waiting to burst out and show their personalities. That could be just a little addicting that thrill of discovering a new little being.
However, O was such a traumatic labor and delivery that I vowed I would never want another baby after that. So why am I, 2 years before my 40th, suddenly longing for another child? Why is that I can tell myself that the cost is too much, diapers alone, that we are so close to having a regular life without naps and diapers and bottles etc so why would I complicate it by having another? Not to mention our stress level right now. Not to mention my mother would have a cow. She made it more than clear that she thought we were crazy to have the 3rd. Not withstanding that the 3rd was unexpected she made clear references to K getting fixed. Not that I should live my life by my mother's expectations but still it hurts to know she'd be upset and disapprove if we chose to have a 4th.
In my days of infertility I can remember talking to a friend who was 100% positive that two was enough, she did not want any more. I told her that I couldn't imagine not wanting to keep having children. I put that down to the fact that I hadn't had one yet. I find myself looking at those with larger families and envying them. I like to think that they just have more money than us so they can afford it. They probably don't but I can't imagine trying to afford another child on our current income. It's tough enough as it is without adding another diapered bum to the bunch. ;)
Well that post is sure to scare the crap out of my husband should he ever read it. I'm sure this phase will pass. I just have to keep reminding myself how insane it would be for us to have another right now. I'll let you know if that works. ;)
Which is why I am waiting for close friends (you know who you are) to actually have a baby so I can steal theirs once in a while.