Monday, February 9, 2009

A low day

I feel like I have an unequal marriage.  

Basically what hubby wants or thinks we should do happens.  If I raise objections as to why this or that can't work or potential problems, he gets annoyed with me so I cave. You see I don't like it when he gets annoyed with me.  When I say this to him he disagrees and gets more annoyed.  You can see how we go round and round on this. 

The problem stems from when he was a kid. His mom basically ruled the roost and controlled all their lives to the nth degree.  She continues to dictate or a kinder way to say it would be she organizes her husband to this day and I can see how demoralizing it can be.  She still tries to do it K and it drives him crazy.   Our first year of marriage was very rough.  First we had to get used to each other and he had to work out his baggage because he was determined that he was not going to have a wife that makes all the decisions.  I realize this so I try not to nag him or direct him.   

Once I tried to organize him because he leaves the mail lying all over the place.  So when I find it, I'd put it in this basket.  Simple, right?  When he's looking for bills etc.. just look in the basket.  Apparently not.  It was my fault that he missed paying a bill because he forgot about it BECAUSE (get this) I put the bill away in the basket.  Are you kidding me? 

Anyways, him and his brother are making all these plans for the store.  He tells me about them, of course, but after the fact and makes it seem like it's a foregone thing and I really have no input.  I objected to one thing and he lost patience with me.  Now he's committing $800.00 of our personal finances for the next 6 months, another $7,000 in debt on our line of credit and there's no, are you willing or are you okay with that honey.  No.  It's the best thing.  Done.   

Am I willing to spend the next 9 months scrimping because he wants us to set this personal money aside.  No.  Does that make me selfish.  Yes.  But we're just making it now and there are so many things we need (I'd really like a bra that fits decently) and now things are going to get tighter.  He looks at the big picture that, we'll probably get most of the money back by Jan 2010. 

Course now I just did a petty thing.. responded to my BIL email saying to address the email to K cause I have no input into  anything.  That was petty and now I'm going to get some flack back.  But really, how much of this am I going to have to stand for.   I caved and we ended up with this damn store in the first place.  I now have a bil for an investor, which sucks.  We owe his parents $25,000.00.  Plus all of the equity in our house is borrowed against so we could buy this store.  When we sell, we're going to lose all of it.  Yes, we have a business but we won't have much to buy a new house with, if we can even buy a house.  Houses are expensive and we'll probably end up renting.  Nothing wrong with that but when you've been a homeowner for a long time, it's hard to go back to that.  Besides, with not being able to afford any other investments I felt better knowing at least we were putting money into our house.  

I'm making my husband out to be a jerk.  He's not. He's a really sweet, kind and generous man. He just doesn't understand my position.  I was raised to be an independent woman and I was an independent career woman right up until he married me and we had our first child.  As my mom would say, "I raised you to be stronger than that." 

Anyways.... so you can see why I'm a little low today.   I get ruminating on all this and it just frustrates me to no end. 

Zeemaid

4 comments:

  1. I know how you feel. I often cringe when it comes to conflict, when I used to embrace it. (And bring it on myself.) Sometimes I wonder where "she" went and whether or not "she's" ever coming back...

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  2. I know how you feel, too. I used to keep things inside, but then they would end up festering and boil over, which never turned out good. Some days it is so hard to keep in mind that marriage is a partnership, 50/50. If only it could be as easy as it looks on paper...

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  3. Oh honey, that is tough. I cringe at conflict too but nothing has primed me more for it than being married it seems. You got to stick with your guns and be heard at least, though being listened to would be even nicer.

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  4. My husband and I both hate conflict but some times things just need to be blurted out, for not other reason than to feel that you have the right to speak outloud and that the other person should listen. It's a small thing but makes a HUGE difference in my house.

    We split many of our decision making situations, I take most child oriented decisions and he takes most money decisions, but that in no way what so ever means we don't have to listen and take in opinions.

    It's vital to feel heard...in my opinion.

    Hope you feel better.

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